"How do you know when it is time......????" That is the question that haunts every pet owner when it is nearing the end. Although it drove me CRAZY when people said this - "You will just know" - having now gone through it, it is just so very true. We said goodbye to our beloved and loyal family dog, Marley, on Monday evening, December 2, 2013. It was the hardest decision and saddest day of my life. Really and truly. I sobbed long, deep cries as I felt his soul leave this earth. As I held him and he passed, I wailed. I completely and outwardly grieved. With no shame of emotion. With no thought of anything but of light gone. And, now, as I type, I cry continual tears of grief. Will I ever stop crying for him? Will the grief transform? Worse still, is the doubt and the guilt. Did I make the right decision? Could I have done more? Did he suffer? Did he know what I was doing to him? Did I betray him? Did he know and feel our love up until the very end? The questions still haunt me days later. I am profoundly lonely. Marley was my best friend - always by my side. And I mean ALWAYS. He came in the car with me everywhere I went. He laid by my side as I read books, watched movies, and slept. He NEVER left my side for a single minute throughout each of my pregnancies - literally following me from room to room. I remember occasionally getting annoyed with him ("Gosh, Marley - give me some room!") - thinking of that makes me sob again. I have never loved an animal the way that I loved that dog. He crept into my soul and took up a very large room for rent. His eyes would lock with mine and we would have meaningful, unspoken conversations of love. He trusted me completely and that felt satisfying and rewarding. I miss him terribly. And I wonder if I made the right decision. Constantly wonder. I look up to the sky and I think, "Can you see me?" "Can you feel me?" "Do you feel my continued love for you?" "Do you know I miss you?" "Are you safe?" "Are you happy?" That was always my job - to love you - to care for you - to keep you safe and happy. I miss my job. Who is loving and caring for you now? I miss you, Marley. It is profound - the loss I feel. Words escape me as I feel, again, the grief swell up and engulf me. Perhaps it is best to leave the words to others for now. An excerpt from one of my favorite poems: "He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest. My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought love would last forever. I was wrong." (W. H. Auden)
